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THE popular notion about
marriage and love is that they are synonymous, that they spring from
the same motives, and cover the same human needs. Like most popular
notions this also rests not on actual facts, but on superstition.
Marriage and love have nothing in common; they
are as far apart as the poles; are, in fact, antagonistic to each
other. No doubt some marriages have been the result of love. Not,
however, because love could assert itself only in marriage; much
rather is it because few people can completely outgrow a convention.
There are to-day large numbers of men and women to whom marriage is
naught but a farce, but who submit to it for the sake of public
opinion. At any rate, while it is true that some marriages are based
on love, and while it is equally true that in some cases love
continues in married life, I maintain that it does so regardless of
marriage, and not because of it.
On the other hand, it is utterly false that love
results from marriage. On rare occasions one does hear of a miraculous
case of a married couple falling in love after marriage, but on close
examination it will be found that it is a mere adjustment to the
inevitable. Certainly the growing-used to each other is far away from
the spontaneity, the intensity, and beauty of love, without which the
intimacy of marriage must prove degrading to both the woman and the
man.
Marriage is primarily an economic arrangement,
an insurance pact. It differs from the ordinary life insurance
agreement only in that it is more binding, more exacting. Its returns
are insignificantly small compared with the investments. In taking out
an insurance policy one pays for it in dollars and cents, always at
liberty to discontinue payments. If, how ever, woman's premium is a
husband, she pays for it with her name, her privacy, her self-respect,
her very life, "until death doth part." Moreover, the marriage
insurance condemns her to life-long dependency, to parasitism, to
complete uselessness, individual as well as social. Man, too, pays his
toll, but as his sphere is wider, marriage does not limit him as much
as woman. He feels his chains more in an economic sense.
Thus Dante's motto over Inferno applies with
equal force to marriage: "Ye who enter here leave all hope behind."
That marriage is a failure none but the very
stupid will deny. One has but to glance over the statistics of divorce
to realize how bitter a failure marriage really is. Nor will the
stereotyped Philistine argument that the laxity of divorce laws and
the growing looseness of woman account for the fact that: first, every
twelfth marriage ends in divorce; second, that since 1870 divorces
have increased from 28 to 73 for every hundred thousand population;
third, that adultery, since 1867, as ground for divorce, has increased
270.8 per cent.; fourth, that desertion increased 369.8 per cent.
Added to these startling figures is a vast
amount of material, dramatic and literary, further elucidating this
subject. Robert Herrick, in Together; Pinero, in
Mid-Channel; Eugene Walter, in Paid in Full, and scores of
other writers are discussing the barrenness, the monotony, the
sordidness, the inadequacy of marriage as a factor for harmony and
understanding.
The thoughtful social student will not content
himself with the popular superficial excuse for this phenomenon. He
will have to dig down deeper into the very life of the sexes to know
why marriage proves so disastrous.
Edward Carpenter says that behind every marriage
stands the life-long environment of the two sexes; an environment so
different from each other that man and woman must remain strangers.
Separated by an insurmountable wall of superstition, custom, and
habit, marriage has not the potentiality of developing knowledge of,
and respect for, each other, without which every union is doomed to
failure.
Henrik Ibsen, the hater of all social shams, was
probably the first to realize this great truth. Nora leaves her
husband, not---as the stupid critic would have it---because she is
tired of her responsibilities or feels the need of woman's rights, but
because she has come to know that for eight years she had lived with a
stranger and borne him children. Can there be any thing more
humiliating, more degrading than a life long proximity between two
strangers? No need for the woman to know anything of the man, save his
income. As to the knowledge of the woman---what is there to know
except that she has a pleasing appearance? We have not yet outgrown
the theologic myth that woman has no soul, that she is a mere appendix
to man, made out of his rib just for the convenience of the gentleman
who was so strong that he was afraid of his own shadow.
Perchance the poor quality of the material
whence woman comes is responsible for her inferiority. At any rate,
woman has no soul---what is there to know about her? Besides, the less
soul a woman has the greater her asset as a wife, the more readily
will she absorb herself in her husband. It is this slavish
acquiescence to man's superiority that has kept the marriage
institution seemingly intact for so long a period. Now that woman is
coming into her own, now that she is actually growing aware of herself
as a being outside of the master's grace, the sacred institution of
marriage is gradually being undermined, and no amount of sentimental
lamentation can stay it.
From infancy, almost, the average girl is told
that marriage is her ultimate goal; therefore her training and
education must be directed towards that end. Like the mute beast
fattened for slaughter, she is prepared for that. Yet, strange to say,
she is allowed to know much less about her function as wife and mother
than the ordinary artisan of his trade. It is indecent and filthy for
a respectable girl to know anything of the marital relation. Oh, for
the inconsistency of respectability, that needs the marriage vow to
turn something which is filthy into the purest and most sacred
arrangement that none dare question or criticize. Yet that is exactly
the attitude of the average upholder of marriage. The prospective wife
and mother is kept in complete ignorance of her only asset in the
competitive field---sex. Thus she enters into life-long relations with
a man only to find herself shocked, repelled, outraged beyond measure
by the most natural and healthy instinct, sex. It is safe to say that
a large percentage of the unhappiness, misery, distress, and physical
suffering of matrimony is due to the criminal ignorance in sex matters
that is being extolled as a great virtue. Nor is it at all an
exaggeration when I say that more than one home has been broken up
because of this deplorable fact.
If, however, woman is free and big enough to
learn the mystery of sex without the sanction of State or Church, she
will stand condemned as utterly unfit to become the wife of a "good"
man, his goodness consisting of an empty head and plenty of money. Can
there be anything more outrageous than the idea that a healthy, grown
woman, full of life and passion, must deny nature's demand, must
subdue her most intense craving, undermine her health and break her
spirit, must stunt her vision, abstain from the depth and glory of sex
experience until a "good" man comes along to take her unto himself as
a wife? That is precisely what marriage means. How can such an
arrangement end except in failure? This is one, though not the least
important, factor of marriage, which differentiates it from love.
Ours is a practical age. The time when Romeo and
Juliet risked the wrath of their fathers for love when Gretchen
exposed herself to the gossip of her neighbors for love, is no more.
If, on rare occasions young people allow themselves the luxury of
romance they are taken in care by the elders, drilled and pounded
until they become "sensible."
The moral lesson instilled in the girl is not
whether the man has aroused her love, but rather is it, "How much?"
The important and only God of practical American life: Can the man
make a living? Can he support a wife? That is the only thing that
justifies marriage. Gradually this saturates every thought of the
girl; her dreams are not of moonlight and kisses, of laughter and
tears; she dreams of shopping tours and bargain counters. This
soul-poverty and sordidness are the elements inherent in the marriage
institution. The State and the Church approve of no other ideal,
simply because it is the one that necessitates the State and Church
control of men and women.
Doubtless there are people who continue to
consider love above dollars and cents. Particularly is this true of
that class whom economic necessity has forced to become
self-supporting. The tremendous change in woman's position, wrought by
that mighty factor, is indeed phenomenal when we reflect that it is
but a short time since she has entered the industrial arena. Six
million women wage-earners; six million women, who have the equal
right with men to be exploited, to be robbed, to go on strike; aye, to
starve even. Anything more, my lord? Yes, six million age-workers in
every walk of life, from the highest brain work to the most difficult
menial labor in the mines and on the railroad tracks; yes, even
detectives and policemen. Surely the emancipation is complete.
Yet with all that, but a very small number of
the vast army of women wage-workers look upon work as a permanent
issue, in the same light as does man. No matter how decrepit the
latter, he has been taught to be independent, self-supporting. Oh, I
know that no one is really independent in our economic tread mill;
still, the poorest specimen of a man hates to be a parasite; to be
known as such, at any rate.
The woman considers her position as worker
transitory, to be thrown aside for the first bidder. That is why it is
infinitely harder to organize women than men. "Why should I join a
union? I am going to get married, to have a home." Has she not been
taught from infancy to look upon that as her ultimate calling? She
learns soon enough that the home, though not so large a prison as the
factory, has more solid doors and bars. It has a keeper so faithful
that naught can escape him. The most tragic part, however, is that the
home no longer frees her from wage slavery; it only increases her
task.
According to the latest statistics submitted
before a Committee "on labor and wages, and congestion of Population,"
ten per cent. of the wage workers in New York City alone are married,
yet they must continue to work at the most poorly paid labor in the
world. Add to this horrible aspect the drudgery of house work, and
what remains of the protection and glory of the home? As a matter of
fact, even the middle class girl in marriage can not speak of her
home, since it is the man who creates her sphere. It is not important
whether the husband is a brute or a darling. What I wish to prove is
that marriage guarantees woman a home only by the grace of her
husband. There she moves about in his home, year after year
until her aspect of life and human affairs becomes as flat, narrow,
and drab as her surroundings. Small wonder if she becomes a nag,
petty, quarrelsome, gossipy, unbearable, thus driving the man from the
house. She could not go, if she wanted to; there is no place to go.
Besides, a short period of married life, of complete surrender of all
faculties, absolutely incapacitates the average woman for the outside
world. She becomes reckless in appearance, clumsy in her movements,
dependent in her decisions, cowardly in her judgment, a weight and a
bore, which most men grow to hate and despise. Wonderfully inspiring
atmosphere for the bearing of life, is it not?
But the child, how is it to be protected, if not
for marriage? After all, is not that the most important consideration?
The sham, the hypocrisy of it! Marriage protecting the child, yet
thousands of children destitute and homeless. Marriage protecting the
child, yet orphan asylums and reformatories over crowded, the Society
for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children keeping busy in rescuing the
little victims from "loving" parents, to place them under more loving
care, the Gerry Society. Oh, the mockery of it!
Marriage may have the power to "bring the horse
to water," but has it ever made him drink? The law will place the
father under arrest, and put him in convict's clothes; but has that
ever stilled the hunger of the child? If the parent has no work, or if
he hides his identity, what does marriage do then? It invokes the law
to bring the man to "justice," to put him safely behind closed doors;
his labor, however, goes not to the child, but to the State. The child
receives but a blighted memory of its father's stripes.
As to the protection of the woman,---therein
lies the curse of marriage. Not that it really protects her, but the
very idea is so revolting, such an outrage and insult on life, so
degrading to human dignity, as to forever condemn this parasitic
institution.
It is like that other paternal arrangement
---capitalism. It robs man of his birthright, stunts his growth,
poisons his body, keeps him in ignorance, in poverty and dependence,
and then institutes charities that thrive on the last vestige of man's
self-respect.
The institution of marriage makes a parasite of
woman, an absolute dependent. It incapacitates her for life's
struggle, annihilates her social consciousness, paralyzes her
imagination, and then imposes its gracious protection, which is in
reality a snare, a travesty on human character.
If motherhood is the highest fulfillment of
woman's nature, what other protection does it need save love and
freedom? Marriage but defiles, outrages, and corrupts her fulfillment.
Does it not say to woman, Only when you follow me shall you bring
forth life? Does it not condemn her to the block, does it not degrade
and shame her if she refuses to buy her right to motherhood by selling
herself? Does not marriage only sanction motherhood, even though
conceived in hatred, in compulsion? Yet, if motherhood be of free
choice, of love, of ecstasy, of defiant passion, does it not place a
crown of thorns upon an innocent head and carve in letters of blood
the hideous epithet, Bastard? Were marriage to contain all the virtues
claimed for it, its crimes against motherhood would exclude it forever
from the realm of love.
Love, the strongest and deepest element in all
life, the harbinger of hope, of joy, of ecstasy; love, the defier of
all laws, of all conventions; love, the freest, the most powerful
moulder of human destiny; how can such an all-compelling force be
synonymous with that poor little State and Church-begotten weed,
marriage?
Free love? As if love is anything but free! Man
has bought brains, but all the millions in the world have failed to
buy love. Man has subdued bodies, but all the power on earth has been
unable to subdue love. Man has conquered whole nations, but all his
armies could not conquer love. Man has chained and fettered the
spirit, but he has been utterly helpless before love. High on a
throne, with all the splendor and pomp his gold can command, man is
yet poor and desolate, if love passes him by. And if it stays, the
poorest hovel is radiant with warmth, with life and color. Thus love
has the magic power to make of a beggar a king. Yes, love is free; it
can dwell in no other atmosphere. In freedom it gives itself
unreservedly, abundantly, completely. All the laws on the statutes,
all the courts in the universe, cannot tear it from the soil, once
love has taken root. If, however, the soil is sterile, how can
marriage make it bear fruit? It is like the last desperate struggle of
fleeting life against death.
Love needs no protection; it is its own
protection. So long as love begets life no child is deserted, or
hungry, or famished for the want of affection. I know this to be true.
I know women who became mothers in freedom by the men they loved. Few
children in wedlock enjoy the care, the protection, the devotion free
motherhood is capable of bestowing.
The defenders of authority dread the advent of a
free motherhood, lest it will rob them of their prey. Who would fight
wars? Who would create wealth? Who would make the policeman, the
jailer, if woman were to refuse the indiscriminate breeding of
children? The race, the race! shouts the king, the president, the
capitalist, the priest. The race must be preserved, though woman be
degraded to a mere machine, --- and the marriage institution is our
only safety valve against the pernicious sex-awakening of woman. But
in vain these frantic efforts to maintain a state of bondage. In vain,
too, the edicts of the Church, the mad attacks of rulers, in vain even
the arm of the law. Woman no longer wants to be a party to the
production of a race of sickly, feeble, decrepit, wretched human
beings, who have neither the strength nor moral courage to throw off
the yoke of poverty and slavery. Instead she desires fewer and better
children, begotten and reared in love and through free choice; not by
compulsion, as marriage imposes. Our pseudo-moralists have yet to
learn the deep sense of responsibility toward the child, that love in
freedom has awakened in the breast of woman. Rather would she forego
forever the glory of motherhood than bring forth life in an atmosphere
that breathes only destruction and death. And if she does become a
mother, it is to give to the child the deepest and best her being can
yield. To grow with the child is her motto; she knows that in that
manner alone call she help build true manhood and womanhood.
Ibsen must have had a vision of a free mother,
when, with a master stroke, he portrayed Mrs. Alving. She was the
ideal mother because she had outgrown marriage and all its horrors,
because she had broken her chains, and set her spirit free to soar
until it returned a personality, regenerated and strong. Alas, it was
too late to rescue her life's joy, her Oswald; but not too late to
realize that love in freedom is the only condition of a beautiful
life. Those who, like Mrs. Alving, have paid with blood and tears for
their spiritual awakening, repudiate marriage as an imposition, a
shallow, empty mockery. They know, whether love last but one brief
span of time or for eternity, it is the only creative, inspiring,
elevating basis for a new race, a new world.
In our present pygmy state love is indeed a
stranger to most people. Misunderstood and shunned, it rarely takes
root; or if it does, it soon withers and dies. Its delicate fiber can
not endure the stress and strain of the daily grind. Its soul is too
complex to adjust itself to the slimy woof of our social fabric. It
weeps and moans and suffers with those who have need of it, yet lack
the capacity to rise to love's summit.
Some day, some day men and women will rise, they
will reach the mountain peak, they will meet big and strong and free,
ready to receive, to partake, and to bask in the golden rays of love.
What fancy, what imagination, what poetic genius can foresee even
approximately the potentialities of such a force in the life of men
and women. If the world is ever to give birth to true companionship
and oneness, not marriage, but love will be the parent.
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