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Women are the most fascinating beings I have ever
encountered. They are magical and mystical. I am intrigued by their mystery.
When I reminisce about my romantic life I can easily say that I went through
four phases.
In the first phase I practised serial monogamy. I
dated many women one at a time and each relationship lasted from a few months to
a few years. In some cases we remained friends even after the romantic
relationship was over. Although I agreed with each girlfriend to be monogamous,
at some level I resented it and felt controlled, as it felt unnatural to me. I
was also worried that monogamy would soon turn into monotony. In that phase my
relationship with women was more sexual than emotional, intellectual or
creative. I was willing to date any woman who was friendly, good looking
and charming.
In the second phase I had a polygamous lifestyle
and dated many women at the same time. I was honest with them and shared with
them that I had other lovers. I had never thought that any woman would accept a
polygamous relationship but they did. That phase lasted a few years and then I
outgrew it. Dating many women at the same time became complicated in day-to-day
life. So I ended that phase for pragmatic rather than moral reasons.
In the third phase I decided to be celibate for a
year. Some of my friends doubted that I could succeed, but I was successful in
fulfilling that promise to myself. In that phase I resolved my relationship with
women and they were no longer my weakness. I realized that I liked them and
preferred to be in a romantic relationship but I could lead a healthy and happy
life even if I was not in an intimate relationship. During that year of
introspection I became aware that there was a pattern in my romantic
relationships. I used to fall in love with young women who were from 25—35 years
of age. Although I shared with them in the early part of our relationship that I
had no intentions of having children and a family, they hoped that I would
change my mind. So after a few months or years there was escalation of tension
because their need, desire and dream of having children intensified and finally
the relationship ended.
Alongside the tension that my girlfriends felt
because I refused to become the father of their children, I also felt the
tension because those women were jealous of
…my female and male friends as I have close relationship
with them
…my creativity. My writing on a regular basis and my
meetings with writers and artists became threatening for them.
After a year of celibacy I realized that I could
not have a romantic relationship with any woman, I could have a special
relationship only with the woman, the special woman. When I thought of
all the women I knew in my life, the most special was Bette Davis. On one hand
she had been married before and had adopted Adriana from
Romania, and on the other
hand, I also knew she was not a jealous person.
As I did not want to start a new relationship with
a new person and risk repeating the same pattern, I contacted Bette Davis and
went to see her in
Newfoundland. We met like long lost friends. Adriana also impressed me. She was
a charming and sweet little girl. I felt connected with her too.
We talked and emailed regularly and then Bette came
to visit me in May 2002. During that visit I shared with her how I felt about
her and expressed a desire to have an intimate relationship with her and build a
future together. She was nervous that our romance might undermine our
friendship. I told her that we have the foundation of twenty-five years of
friendship, the cake on which we would now be putting the icing of romance.
Finally Bette agreed and moved to
Ontario with Adriana.
In the last five years we have created a wonderful
non-traditional and creative relationship. My relationship with Bette is the
best relationship I have ever had with a woman. We are so happy together. It is
amazing to see us
Working together
Loving together
Creating together
and
Dreaming together
That is the ideal relationship. There are times we disagree
and have passionate discussions but we are very respectful to each other. I feel
equal to her. I have great respect for her as she has a heart of gold. There are
times my creative personality becomes a source of stress for her but she knows
that I think the world of her and would never do anything intentionally to hurt
her. She is one of the best things that ever happened to me. I hope she feels
the same way. It is amazing that our intimate relationship also helps us in our
professional lives to help other couples to communicate better and resolve their
conflicts.
We have learnt the secret of love. Now we know that
differences in personality and philosophy can be a curse if they turn into
unresolved conflicts and create tension, but those differences can be a blessing
if both parties learn from each other. I have learnt so much from Bette Davis. I
hope she has learnt a few things from me. Even after thirty years of knowing her
I thoroughly enjoy her company and look forward to seeing her. She is as sweet
as chum chum, my favourite Indian sweet. That is why her nickname is Chum
Chum and mine is Sohaili, a combination of Sohail and sahaili (female
friend in Urdu). I am looking forward to growing old with her. In the end all I
can say is that I have learnt the secret of life that growing together is better
than growing alone.
February
2008
Here is a special poem I wrote for Bette last year.
NEW LOVE
After the long night of sadness
I saw the sun of a new love
A new smile on your face
A new shine in your eyes
A new affection in your hug
A new passion in your kiss
Let this be the beginning of a new love
Last week we had lost touch with each other
This week we found a new connection
Sometimes
We have to lose ourselves
To find ourselves
Let us celebrate our new love
We might be so different from each other
But our differences complement each other
We might have dark pasts
But the sun of love is delivered
From the womb of darkness
We are both experiencing labour pains
Not only giving birth to ourselves
But also delivering a new relationship
Both of us did not realize
We were pregnant
Life is full of surprises
Let us enjoy
And celebrate this new surprise
And keep on celebrating
On the first of September every year
Acknowledging
One and one make eleven not two
Cherishing
Growing together is better than growing alone.
Sohail
September 1st, 2007
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