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One of my patients who came to
Canada
in 1969 at the age of 45 is now 84 years old. After living here for half a
century she is still missing
England
as she is feeling lonely and sad in
Canada.
She has a history of Depression and her mother committed suicide when my patient
was a young girl. She expressed her feelings in a letter to me that is as
follows
(she gave her blessing to share it with other immigrants
who can relate to it)
Dear Dr. Sohail,
I started writing this letter three weeks ago. It is early on the
morning of May 26th,
5:30 a.m. to be exact. I was awake at about 4 to 4:30 a.m., and as is so often
the case, I awoke surrounded by emptiness, the atmosphere feels empty, this
apartment feels empty (although full of clutter!), life feels empty, what is the
point, why am I here? I feel like an alien from out of space, “get out of bed”
put on the T.V. maybe that will drive some of these feelings away, and have a
cigarette, the only truly good friend I can relay on to be there for me, even if
it kills me!
Why did I come all those years ago, to this barren cold – even in the
heat of summer – vast land? There have been a few times over the past months,
when I have felt some warm feeling I had years ago of being a part of a family,
usually if I have talked to my one remaining brother Keith on the phone or
someone has been kind or I have been part of some activity, but that doesn’t
last long or happen often.
I am – or was – fostering a beautiful black thirteen year old male cat –
but he has a bladder infection and is in isolation (as I couldn’t administer the
pills he needs) at the Humane Society of
Durham.
He went back there just over a week ago, and I miss him, he has quaint little
habits, and I worry that he may die in isolation, as the reason I took him to
the Humane Society was that he was depressed and wouldn’t eat. I only hope that
he survives, and they bring him back to me when his medical condition is better.
It just seems that everything or everyone that I love is taken away from me. Is
that the joy of old age!
**************************
It is now the early morning of June 14th, the past week has
been quite eventful, my sister coming down from North Bay with a friend ( female
and only 63 years of age) leaving me with a feeling of great sadness in my
heart, as I am sure I do not add up, so to speak, and at present more isolated
from her and her family than I was before, I just feel sad, so sad, wish I could
cry but the tears will not come, maybe just as well. Heather – my sister – and
her friend were only here from
2:30 p.m.
Wednesday until after we had had dinner at Kaseys at
8:30 p.m. that evening. It was so kind of her to make the detour to see me,
before going to Waterloo to visit her son, that makes my sadness worse as she is
81 years of age (doesn’t look it, or act it) and it’s probably the last time
I’ll ever see her. I said the wrong things, my apartment wasn’t as I wanted it.
I had no photograph of my Father’s side of the family – not intentionally, just
hadn’t got around to it – these are my assumptions as to why she was so cold,
almost frigid with me before they left.
As my brother’s first wife said when I talked to her on the phone “You
are the black sheep of the family ?” that is what I am Dr. Sohail, feeling sad
and lonely in
Canada
.
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