Dear Karen! You are such a precious friend. You are a member of the family of my heart, that is why it is always enjoyable and inspiring to go out for dinner with you and share our views and experiences about loving relationships. I felt sad to hear that you are struggling in your romantic relationship. I hope you can work out your differences.

At the end of the dinner, you asked me,

“How do you feel about your relationship with Bette?” and I responded,

“It is the best intimate relationship I ever had”.

“How is it different than others?” you were curious.

“I have to think about that.”

So I thought about it and my response is that in this relationship I feel more peaceful. In other relationships, there was always certain tension that I do not experience in this one. Maybe it is because there is mutual respect and affection. We bring out the best in each other.

You also wondered about the secret of my exciting relationship with Bette. I think there are three important factors:

1.     We have been friend for more than twenty years. That is a special foundation for an intimate relationship. For lovers to be good friends is a blessing.

2.     We both love to create and grow together. We don’t mind challenging each other but it is done respectfully and affectionately.

3.     I also believe that my one-year of celibacy and soul-searching also helped me do my emotional ‘homework’ and be prepared for a happy and healthy romantic relationship.

In that year of introspection, I realized that there was a pattern in my romantic relationships. I used to fall in love with young women who were between 25-35 years of age. Although I shared with them in the early part of the relationship that I did not want to have children and a family, they hoped that I would change my mind. So after a few months or years there was escalation of tension because their need, desire and dream of having children intensified. Finally the relationships ended.

Alongside the tension that women in my life felt, I also felt tension because those women felt jealous. They were jealous of

…my female and male friends as I have very close relationships with them

…my creativity. My writing on a regular basis and meeting with other writers and artists became threatening for them.

After the year of celibacy and soul-searching I felt I had three choices:

A, to lead a celibate life

B, to lead a promiscuous life

Or

C, to have a special monogamous life with a special person.

When I thought of all the women I knew in my life, I thought I would be most compatible with Bette Davis. On one hand she had been married before and also had adopted Adriana twelve years ago. I also knew she was not a jealous person.

As I did not want to start a new relationship with a new person and repeat the same pattern, I contacted Bette and went to see her in Newfoundland. We met like long lost friends. I was also impressed by Adriana. She was a charming and sweet young girl. I felt connected with her too.

So we talked and e-mailed regularly and then Bette came to visit me in May 2002. During that visit I shared with her how I felt about her and expressed a desire to have a closer and more intimate relationship. She shared that she had those feelings too but was always nervous that our intimacy might undermine our friendship. I shared my optimism that since both of us had gone through a period of soul-searching and had grown over the last twenty years, we could be friends as well as lovers. Bette readily agreed.

Dear Karen ! This time I am very optimistic about our relationship. I can foresee us being happy together.

I am also excited to meet Adriana. I think we are developing a special bond too. I am fascinated with the details of the story of Bette going to Romania and adopting her at the age of 3 weeks. I am hopeful that Adriana and I will also have an enriching relationship. I am already learning a lot from her. She loves animals and wants to be a Vet Surgeon.

I believe a year of celibacy and soul-searching helped me get ready for this relationship. I believe we all need to do that ‘ homework’. I am not sure yet whether you have done that ‘homework’. I will send a copy of this letter to Bette, and she comes to Whitby in November, you are more than welcome to come over for an evening and we can all discuss the “homework” for a healthy and happy intimate relationship.

Sep 14, 2002                                                          Affectionately Sohail