Creative Encounters
Closer To Yet Another Breakthrough
Every
day I feel a step closer to my fantasy, my dream, my destination. I feel the
chains in my heart melting, the walls in my soul crumbling, I feel ready to be
reborn.
I
always wanted to write, the way I talk, natural, spontaneous, charming,
informal, full of humour and wisdom, telling stories, folk tales, poems,
anecdotes, sharing my past, present and future, the child and the old man in
me. But whenever I started writing I became formal and inhibited and serious
and lost the natural flow I had in my mind, in my heart, in my soul. I was
always in conflict between the artist in me and the philosopher in me, between
the left and the right sides of my brain, between the conceptual and the
imaginative sides of my thinking. I had been carrying both sides of me side by
side for years. One side wrote essays, the other side created fiction and
poetry. One side produced ideas, the other side gave birth to images and
metaphors.
But
gradually in the last few years both sides are coming closer, coming together,
touching and embracing each other, both sides realizing that they don't have to
confront each other, they can cooperate with each other, they can even merge
into each other without fear of losing their identities because they will be
reborn in the new creative product.
I
am realizing that I am gradually being transformed, transformed to a different,
to a higher, to a deeper level of existence. It is making me experience new
feelings, new thoughts, new images, new metaphors, the feelings, thoughts,
images and metaphors that I never experienced before. I am discovering new
peace, new tranquillity, new nirvana, new harmony. It is making me a better
person, a richer writer, a faithful friend, a committed lover. It is making me
accept my vulnerabilities, my sensitivities, my limitations and then transcend
them to a new phase, a new stage, the stage where the walls between different
sides of me, different roles of my life, roles as a writer, as a lover, as a
friend, as a therapist and many other roles are melting and creating a unique
harmony. I am gradually being transferred into a rainbow, all colours seen
separately but also merging into one colour, the colour of the light, the
colour of the morning, the colour of the sunshine. After forty years of deep
sleep in a dark night I am waking up to a new day, hearing new music, smelling
new flowers, starting a new life.
But
what is the catalyst in transforming me?
Is
there more then one catalyst?
Is
it my role as a psychotherapist?
Is
it the company of my friends?
Is
it the intimacy of my lover?
or
Is
it the act of writing?
that is liberating me. It is a mystery for me.
But it is a nice feeling. Although I don't fully understand it, I still enjoy
it. It is like
the
feeling of a cool breeze
the
feeling of the warm sun
the
feeling of a passionate kiss.
It
is the feeling of losing myself in life and then rediscovering myself
as
a writer
as
a lover
as
a friend
as
a therapist
as
a ..........
Maybe I am getting closer to yet another
breakthrough in life.
April 1993
Words
Words
are arrows - that pierce our hearts
are hooks - that retrieve our memories
are matches - that ignite our souls
are mirrors - that increase our awareness
are friends - that console us
are therapists - that transform us
are teachers - that liberate us
are lovers - that seduce us.
Have you
ever taken them seriously?
Have you
ever embraced words?
March 1993
Literary Orgasm
Reading
the books of Henry Miller
was like
experiencing a literary orgasm.
Reading
the diary of Anais Nin
and watching
the movie `Henry and June'
was the
foreplay.
Reading
Miller's novels `Tropic of Cancer' and `Tropic of Capricorn'
was the mainplay
and
Reading
Erica Jong's book `Devil at Large' and Miller's novel
`Collousus of Morouosi'
was the afterplay.
It was a
journey
from
sensuality to sexuality to spirituality.
He
reminded me of my favourite Russian Monk Rasputin
who
believed that
sex was
the shortest way to get to God.